Loose Ends

I dreamt of him.  This rarely happens.  One of the most devastating things that happen when someone close dies is the absoluteness of the void.  The nothingness of it all.  In my dreams he has always been on the other side of the room and when I get there he is gone again.  This time I was driving and he was in the passenger seat and Steve was behind Tom.  A song that was near and dear to Tom and I came on the radio and we locked eyes.  Mentally I was begging him to talk to me but I got nothing.  Just absence.  I woke up gasping for air, sad and angry.

Death leaves a lot of loose ends.  Why didn't he clean up the work bench before he left?  Where are the birth certificates?  What is the password to the file with our passwords? What was the name of the shop he used for the Mercedes? Do you miss me?  Help me out with this parenting stuff.  Lots of unanswered questions and no way to retrieve the answers.

I make ornaments for a local shop and I twist my own cording.  In the process I end up with lots of loose ends.  Small lengths of cording that might be just right for another ornament.  I store them in a box and it is so full that when I put the lid on it I have to stack another box on top to keep all the loose ends inside the box.

My life feels a lot like that these days.  So many loose ends.  Relationships that can’t be fixed right now.  Unresolved issues.   A very messy workbench, and dreams that leave me wanting.  I am a fixer and used to doing what I can to bring peace but sometimes there is nothing more I can do, so I am learning, begrudgingly, to tuck the loose ends into a box and put it up on the shelf and if I have to, stack another box on top to keep the loose ends tucked away.  If I don’t I will lose my mind. 

I work hard on focusing on the good in my life.  This is difficult because I am so worn down from the past 4 years.  Weary and faint of heart.  But, I have a husband who adores me, a nice house and nice cars, kids I am so very proud of, absolutely the cutest grandbabies ever born and more wealth than most of the world.  God continues to be good in my life.  There is much to be grateful for.

And Still

    I guess I thought that after 2 1/2 years and a completely different life that the grief would be over.  For the most part it is over but there are still moments when it brings me to my knees.  The other day I was reading a pre-sale copy of Tricia Lott Williford's book And Life Comes Back, and the grief was as fresh as the day Tom died.  In the first chapter she recounts the day her young husband died unexpectedly and all those feeling that I try to keep so well tucked inside came raging to the surface as if it were yesterday.  

     I have read her story a number of times as I have followed her blog. Her husband died just 3 months before Tom.  I consider her a friend although we have never met.  I have spoken with her on the phone and Erin and I regularly discuss her blog as if we know her personally.  In a sense we do know her personally as she has shared her brutal journey with the world.  Never the less, it was as if Tom's death had happened yesterday.  I distinctly remember waking up that night and not hearing him breathing and not wanting to turn the light on.  If I left the light off then perhaps I would not have to face this harsh reality.  Denial would be a welcome visitor right then.

    Sometimes this lot seems just too much to bear.  First the brutal death of my husband of 30 years and then my own diagnosis.  I want to be happy, I truly do but happiness does not come easy right now.  I am grateful for God's perfect timing in my life and for bringing Steve at a time when I would desperately need him even though it felt too soon on some levels.  It felt a bit like I was not honoring my husband to even entertain the thought of someone else but as I look back I can see that God knew what I would need very quickly.

    I try to find the joy wherever I can.  A new kitty and his playful antics.  My beautiful grandbabies.  Sunshine, fall, coffee in the morning....  I try, I really do.  My life is so much better than 90% of the world but this fear that dogs me is often overwhelming.  I can deal with the plan if I know what it is.  It;s the not knowing that drives me insane.  At this point in my life I can't make plans for a vacation for a year from now because I may be back in treatment in a year.  I may have 5 years, I may have 30.  It is really not much different than it probably is for you except that I KNOW I have something that could kill me.  It is not a fun place to reside.  There is a part of me that would rather just know than to have this fear.  I know these feelings are not at all uncommon in a cancer journey and it helps to know that others feel the same way but man I wish I had a grace ticket around this journey.  It appears that the grace ticket it THROUGH this journey and not around it.  There are many days when I do not feel the grace.  There are many days when the pain of what I have gone through, what I am going through and what I cannot fix or control is just too much.  I wonder where is God in all this?  I do not feel the overwhelming peace that I felt when I was going through it with Tom yet every day I get out of bed.  Everyday that I feel I will be consumed, I survive.  Isn't the fear so often that we will not survive?   Or perhaps sometimes that we will survive?  In reality, I did survive and I am surviving. Today, I choose to live.  Today I choose not to focus on what I cannot fix.  I choose to let go of the broken relationships that cause me such pain yet I cannot fix it.  I choose to enjoy a kitty who wants to type for me.  To enjoy a man who thinks I hung the moon.  To bask in the glow of a fall day and sweaters and a fireplace and cross stitch.  Today I choose life and hopefully tomorrow I will have the strength to choose it again.

Dynamics

    Wow, can it really be that I have not posted since before my initial surgery?  How could I have gone so long.  As you know my surgery went well, I did my 6 full rounds of chemo and last week got a clean bill of health for this round.  I will get checked again in 3 months.  In the middle of all that I got married again to a wonderful guy who adores me.  I am so thankful he is in my life right now.

     The last 6 months have been perhaps the hardest I have ever been through.  I would not have thought it could get any harder than watching your husband wither away and die but I think this has been harder. Not for the reasons you might think.  I weathered surgery and chemo very well.  After I recovered from surgery I went back to work and with the exception of one round of chemo I never missed a day.  That one round took me out for a good week and I missed 3 days of work.  It nearly broke me emotionally.  But, all in all I have been very lucky.

     The parts that have been so hard are the navigating relationships.  Some have gotten better and some have truly suffered.  Our family dynamics have been turned upside down and inside out these past 3 years and we are all struggling to figure out where we all fit in and what our new roles are.  When Tom was alive we were the center of the wheel and the kids were the spokes going out of that wheel.  When he died I felt lost and did not know where I fit in at all.  When I began dating and married it has caused confusion for us all.  Steve and I will likely never be the center of the wheel.  We have our own wheel off to the side, spinning separately.  Some have completely pulled away and others have circled in close.  It is very odd for me to try and have my own life that is separate from my kids.  They have been my life for so long and I am in a spot where I really need to create my own life - separate from the life I had with them.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to let go of the old picture.  I don't know how to let them experience their own growing pains and find their way.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

     You often tell me I am an inspiration and I find that perplexing.  I have failed in so many ways.  I am often un-thankful, depressed, angry and sometimes mean.  I am not who I wish myself to be.  I have regrets and many "I wish I had's".  But I guess we all do.  We all fail.  We all have moments of            un-thankfulness and regret.  The truth of the matter is that none of us escape this world unscathed.  As much as we would like to fix things as a parent, they will not escape without pain.  This life has pain.  We must each make our own way and that will include pain.

     My kids and myself have had an unfair amount of pain and it doesn't make sense to me.  I thought if you lived right and loved God that somehow it was a safety net but I have come to know that it is only a safety net in the respect that we believe He will take this pain and make something good out of it.  Living right and loving God does not give us a guarantee of a life without hardship and pain.  Wish it did, or we would all be signing up.

     No real conclusions here today.  Just my observations and my struggle to find my way.  All in all life is good but I flounder.  I struggle in so many areas and I am so imperfect.  I need that grace ticket right now.

 

He is in the thick of our mess

No doubt I am having a hard time right now.  I would say my general anxiety level in the best of times hovers around a 6 and it takes very little to get from 6 to 10.  Steve is in full "lets get ready" mode.  He went yesterday and bought me a fully electric recliner so I would not have to use my abdominal muscles at all to move.  He spent most of the day cleaning out Tom's closet of my Christmas stuff and organizing my room so he can stay where I am.  Today his computer will be moved in to my room and he is trying to simplify the TV so I can work everything without calling Jesse downstairs to help me.  For as smart as I am, remotes and new cell phones can send me over the edge of frustration.  Wouldn't want to cause a panic attack because I can't find the Dr. Phil!

We did a Costco run to pick up food Steve can fix easily for me since cooking for him means a granola bar and opening a can of soup.  I am sure my precious Erin will  help in that dept. Erin is phenominal cook. I asked Erin yesterday if she would make her pancakes and freeze them for me.  You would think they are gross because they are gluten free and egg free (Hannah has food allergies) but they are the best pancakes I have ever had.  In case I had not mentioned it Erin and the kids moved into their own place last weekend.

Erin, as you know has been through her own very brutal cancer battle and Hannah knows cancer.  She is old enough to remember.  When I first met Erin (she came from Montana to meet me)  Hannah was with her.  Tom was on hospice by then.  Hannah asked me where my daddy was. I told her he was downstairs.  She wanted to know if she could see him.  I reiterated that he was very sick and was she sure she wanted to.  She did and Erin has really encouraged her kids to deal with death in whatever way comes up.  I asked if she was scared and she said she was and would I hold her.  We went into Tom's room and I introduced her.  Hannah had asked me if Tom was going to die and I told her he was.  She leaned into me and she said "Will you tell him to tell my daddy I really, really miss him?"  Dear Lord, why must death be part of life?  I know it is His mercy so we do not have to stay here in a broken world forever but couldn't we just work it out so it doesn't have to hurt so much?

So yesterday Erin and the kids came by.  Erin is very honest with them so they knew I was sick and they knew it was cancer.  Of course their first questions were "is she going to die?"  Cancer in their history means death.  Oh Papa, why must these little ones have to hurt?  We visited and they were all over Steve and I.  Probably the most affectionate kids I know.  Gavin and Steve have a very special bond and the kids can be entranced with me but the minute Steve pulls into the driveway I become chopped liver.  When it was time to go Hannah would not let go of me.  She would take a step away then back to wrap her arms around me again.  I asked her if she was scared and she said she just didn't want to go.  She wanted me to come home with her.  I want to protect them.  I am their Oma and they are my babies and it hurts me for them to go through another painful experience.

That said I have to believe that God has been intricately weaving this tapestry for quite a while.  The circumstances of Erin meeting Paul Young are so intriguing.  Paul connected me with Erin as both of our husbands battled for their lives.  My sister and I fell in love with Erin.  Erin moves in with me and God knew all.  He knew her kids would have to go through another cancer battle and He is not a cruel God and would never inflict pain on them so I have to believe He is in the details.  Erin needed me and once again I need her.  She is a great comfort to me as I know she gets it.  No explanation needed and she is very observant and when I am falling apart and don't know why she is able to see what I can't see and help me through it.  I am old enough to be her momma but many times she has been mine.

God knew I would need Steve so soon after Tom died.  Steve and I have been friends for 35 years and dating was so not on my radar and yet Steve was just being a good friend who wanted to get me out of the house to see the new Muppet movie.  Neither of us wanted to fall in love yet God knew what would happen. God provided a way for me to not be alone at this very difficult time.  I don't understand it all and it feels horribly unfair to so many involved but I believe God is right here in it.  I wish I could make Him wave a magic wand and make it all go away but we all know it does not work that way.  For now it will have to be enough that He is in the thick of it with us.

A still small voice

I know His voice.  Often it is just an impression.  A nudge this way or that.  A check in my spirit, "don't go there".  Sometimes I hear very clear words like the day they told me my husband was going to die and I heard Him as clearly as if He were sitting on the floor of the plane.  "Your future is going to be better than you could imagine."  I hate to sound sarcastic but my thoughts at that moment were "Really God?  It doesn't take a great deal of imagination to picture a future better than taking my husband home to die but thank you so very much for the comfort."  Yep, that's me - painfully real.  Yuck and all.
So last week I was sitting in my chair having my morning coffee and reading my devotional and contemplating on how great my life has become over the last year.  How I have risen from the ashes and God has managed once again to turn something intended for harm in my life into something wonderful.  Then I heard it, "get ready".  @#$%.  I know what that "get ready" means.  It means buckle up and hang on.  Immediately I thought, "Why are you always so cynical Maryellen?  Why always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Just be happy and relax."  But in my heart I know that voice and I knew I needed to buckle up.
In the meantime I had made an appt. with my friend and obgyn Dr. Dave.  Love that man.  He delivered 3 of my 4 babies and dedicated them to the Lord right there in the delivery room.  When he saw my name up on the board when I was having my 4th (different insurance) he came in and dedicated my fourth too.
I had a hard spot way down low in my abdomen.  I had already had a hysterectomy and an appendectomy but I wanted to make sure it was just some scar tissue.  Well, it wasn't scar tissue as you already know.  After several tests I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Probably stage 3 from the size.
&*$% again!  Come on life, cut me some slack here.  I'm supposed to be getting married in 10 weeks and now I have to go through major abdominal surgery and chemo.  And what about my new grandbaby that is due in the middle of that and how unfair for my kids to have to deal with this again.  I know they are adults but they are still so young and still need their parents.
So today here I am.  First stop of the day is the financial planner for advice.  I only have catastrophic health coverage at this point.  Let's see how God handles that one.  Second stop, the oncologist to schedule surgery then chemo.  I'm really scared.  I'm more scared for Steve and the kids than myself.
Today I have a choice to make.  I can wallow in the self pity I rightfully deserve right now or I can buckle up and fight like a girl.  I'm in a fight'n mood right now.  I choose, once again, to believe that I serve a God who really does care.  That I serve a God who really is good even when really bad things happen to good people.  I don't understand why but I know that I am such a better person for what I went through with Tom.  It has been brutal and horribly unfair but it wrought wonderful things in my life.
We covet your prayers.  Right now we don't need much in the way of help because right now I feel fine. I have no pain or any indication that anything is wrong except that my pants fit a little different.  I thought it was Christmas cookie weight but I actually weighed a couple pounds less.  It is tumor growth but I feel great right now.  I am sure surgery will be very soon and I will need some help then.  For now Steve has decided to move what he can over here so he can be here as much as possible and we will arrange to get married as soon as I physically can and hopefully before I start chemo.  We would do it this weekend but it is just too much at one time right this moment.  We need a bit to adjust to all that has been thrown our way.  For now I am doing ok.  Not great but ok.  Sara will go to our appointments with us since I don't seem to remember anything the Dr. said at this point and Steve is trying to absorb info as fast as he can.
Thank you all and my family is so appreciative of how you have been there for us.  Even your smallest gesture does not go unnoticed.

x

A new and different Christmas.

This is a new and different Christmas for me.  Some of it very exciting and some of it just plain painful.  The last 3 Christmases have been hell.  2009 we left in the middle of our family Christmas get together to go to the ER where our world fell apart.  2010 we spent alone on a cancer ward in another state as I watched my grandson's first Christmas on Skype.  Ten weeks later I became a widow.  2011 I decorated the tree alone, by my choice, I just wanted to get it over with and it was hard.  Christmas day I just had my boys and it was a very hard day for us all.

This year I am recently engaged to a man I have known for 34 years.  You would think I would be so very happy and excited about the future but Christmas brings a host of often very painful memories for me as I am sure it does for many people.   There are the very happy memories of what it was like when all the kids were in the house and I was a stay at home mom and had the energy to bake cookies.  Memories of all the excitement that having kids in the house brings.  Also memories of how hyper kids act in the weeks before Santa arrives.  How mom needs to drink the rest of the bottle of wine when making fondue just to get through decorating a tree with 4 rambunctious kids.  Memories of all the traditions we created as a family throughout the years.  And sadly, memories of all the traditions that were with Tom that will just be memories now as Steve and I create our own traditions.

This has been a rough couple of days for me.  I could feel the panic coming on last night and knew that was my cue to let it out or I would have a full blown panic attack.  I cried hard.  I cried for all that died of me with Tom.  For all the Christmases with his grandchildren that he will not get to share with me.  For all the things he knew to put in my stocking.  For all the traditions that were ours.  I cried because it is not easy to start again.  I cried for the life I no longer have and at the same time I look forward to the life Steve and I are creating.  What a strange mix of emotions this all is.  I feel confused a lot at the mix I feel.  I feel very happy but I also feel intense grief at the same time.  I am not a person who like change very well.  Tom and I have only lived in 3 houses in the 30 years we were married.  We got a new car about every 10 years.  I crave familiarity and security.  I know it is only perceived security but hey, I will take what I can get.

I have been stretched way beyond what I ever thought I could take.  I have suffered and thought I would be consumed.  But I wasn't.  God continues to be good and faithful even when the picture doesn't look like you thought it would.

So, today, as you celebrate with those who have had their hearts broken.  Be gentle.  Try to remember that grief is not something you "get over".  It rears it's ugly head at the most inopportune times and in the most unexpected moments and even when a person may be laughing there may still be a well of pain that they do not feel safe to allow out.  Be aware that this can be a very painful season for many, many people for many reasons.

I wish you a Merry Christmas today and may God bless you.

What If's

Do you ever feel like God's got your number and He is in relentless pursuit of your wholeness and you don't remember asking Him to be?

"I'm sorry, what was that God?  I asked you in the midst of a panic attack when I was begging you to make it stop?  Hmmm, I am pretty sure you misunderstood.  What I meant was I want you to magically make it stop.  But that is ok, I will use my get out of jail free card now.  What? This is Life not Monopoly and a get out of jail free card does not work?  Dang, can I buy a vowel?  I am not sure I want to play with you anymore."

I did not sign up for anymore hard work.  I want a GraceTicket, right now, and if I don't get what I want I am going to lay down on this floor and throw a tantrum!

Sound familiar?  I have been having one of those weeks where everywhere I turn God is relentlessly hounding me that my thought life  is something I need to deal with aggressively.  But what if I can't.  What if these feelings are real?  What if I miss something? "What if" is my byline for everything.  Steve would like to marry me and I say "But what if?"  He says, "But what if you can never stop saying what if?"  What if I marry him and he dies too? (That is a pretty big one for me).  What if we don't have enough money?  What if it is hard work? (Pretty much guaranteed).   What if He can't change?  What if I can't change......

The "what if's" are endless and it is making me sick.  Literally.  When I have a panic attack I throw up and shake uncontrollably and am pretty darn sure I am going to die right then and there.  If I don't die I am scared to death that it won't stop.  So much of it started hours before as I let a few "what if's" creep past the gate.  Mind you, this is not a well guarded gate.  I have lived my life there and have become quite lax.  I also have lived through some very hard and very painful things which add credence to the what if's.  If anyone was entitled to be afraid of the other shoe dropping it is me.  I wish that having lived through my worst fear gave me a trump card for the rest of life.  It doesn't work that way.  I wish I could say "I have paid my dues" and the what if's would pass me by.

Sometimes what it takes to get well is a whole lot of hard work.  Sometimes when they dig out the cancer the recovery feels worse than the cancer did.  Sometimes what lays ahead seems just too daunting to even take a step in that direction.  I get that.  Believe me, I do.  I am scared spitless that I won't be able to get victory over how I think.  I am scared I will have panic attacks for the rest of my life.  I am scared that it will be scary and hard and I will fall and be right back where I started and will have been walking in vain circles.  Hmmm, that sound like a "what if" doesn't it?

So tomorrow I will get up, put on my big girl panties and deal with it.  I will purposely replace my what if's with something else.  Any suggestions for a new mantra?