Which fork in the road

Some days it is so easy to trust God.  Today is not one of those days.  In 2 days our health insurance runs out and I do not have a backup plan.  Providence was helping pay the premiums while Tom is in treatment but that stopped when he died and it will run the end of June. Another common assumption is that widows get social security benefits.  Not so unless you are retirement age or you have children under the age of 16.  In fact, because Tom only lived 1/2 of March I had to send all of March's check back.  And, if I should remarry I will not be able to collect Tom's social security, I can only collect mine which is a pittance since I was a stay at home mom most of my life.  It's not like his next wife is going to collect his benefits.  I'm pretty sure there won't be a next wife.  It is so overwhelming and frustrating having to deal with all of this on top of trying to figure out what to do next.  Tom had life insurance so I am ok for the immediate but I am terrified to spend any of it because our income dropped almost $4000 a month over a 1 year period of time.  I truly love quilting but I am not sure it is enough and there is no retirement or health insurance.  I just want to be told what to do.  It feels naive to think it will just come to me when the time is right.  What if it doesn't?  What if I really can't figure this out on my own.  What is it supposed to look like?  In a three month period of time I lost my husband, most of our income and all of the kids moved out.  That would be huge even with a partner but without one it feels just plain overwhelming and the sucky part is, I did not choose this.  I did not decide to get a divorce.  I feel left with no real purpose or direction in life.  It is not like my focus needs to be to raise my kids.  They are pretty much raised and venturing out on their own.  I know God says that we will know the way to walk but I am looking down each fork in the road and have absolutely no idea which fork to take.

Problems logging in

Apparently people are having problems logging in to the blog so they can become followers and post comments.  I read through Blogger's help page and this seems to be a common problem having to do with enabling third party cookies or something like that.  I had a hard time just reading the info much less figuring out how to fix it.  If any of you have any helpful suggestions please feel free to let me know.  If you can't log on you can contact me at mehouse61@gmail.com

Thank you for following!

Every Cancer Patients Worst Nightmare

Erin and I were sitting in a little Italian restaurant in Bozeman having dinner.  While we were eating a family was seated and one of the women wore the battle scars of chemo.  No hair, no eyelashes, no eyebrows.  We were both so moved because we know what that is like.  I wanted to get up and tell her that we would be praying for her but I realized that few cancer patients would want to hear what Erin and I have to say.  We are their worst nightmare.  We are death personified.  We lost our battle.  Or did we?  There is so much cancer takes from you.  Your hair, your bone density, your health, your money, your future, your hope...  But, in many ways it gives you a new perspective on life.  It changes who you are and often that is for better.  If you ask any cancer survivor, and the people left behind are cancer survivors too,  they will tell you that the acute awareness of the fragility of life is almost worth the price you pay to get it.  Almost.  If I had to choose I would still choose Tom.  The reality is that we are all terminal.  God has every hair on our head numbered.  He knows every breath we will take so Tom's outcome did not come as a surprise to God.  I so desperately want to cling to MY dreams that I hold on with white knuckled determination, but God knew the day I married him that March 14th, 2011 would be Tom's day.  What happened in both of us through this journey was a freedom that we never imagined.  We were keenly aware of how precious and short life is.  We learned to not be such control freaks because control is really a misnomer to begin with.  We never had control, only the pretense of control.  We learned to be content in whatever circumstance because right now that is all you have.  You only get this specific moment right now, do you really want to waste it?   What if you knew the day or the hour?  Would you live differently?  That is the gift that cancer gives you.  Right now.  This moment to spend freely.  How will you spend it?

My Borrowed Boy

Today I took my borrowed son to see his mother for the very last time.  On Monday Jason's mom just did not wake up.  She was just 41 and had lived a pain-filled life.  She struggled to be a good mother, and to live clean and sober.  I pray she is finally at peace.  I believe the God of all mercy would have ushered her home in those final moments.  Meanwhile my boys heart breaks.  It breaks for the mother she was.  For the mother she wasn't and for the mother she can never be now.  Earlier this week I took my girlfriend to the very spot where the ocean took her son's life.  Why, oh why does this life have to hurt so damn much?  I am tired of hurting.  I am tired of watching my friends hurt.  I long for heaven, for Tom, for peace and for no more pain. I long.

A step in a new direction

I have decided it is time to move out of Carepages and set up a real blog.  I realize that I will lose some of you but I am making an attempt to move away from cancer and into living.  Our Carepages will still be there if you want to refer back to older posts but new posts will be here from now on.  I will probably re-post some of my older Carepages just to get a little history started.  I hope you all enjoy reading and feel free to pass it along.  You can receive automatic updates by becoming a member.