He is in the thick of our mess

No doubt I am having a hard time right now.  I would say my general anxiety level in the best of times hovers around a 6 and it takes very little to get from 6 to 10.  Steve is in full "lets get ready" mode.  He went yesterday and bought me a fully electric recliner so I would not have to use my abdominal muscles at all to move.  He spent most of the day cleaning out Tom's closet of my Christmas stuff and organizing my room so he can stay where I am.  Today his computer will be moved in to my room and he is trying to simplify the TV so I can work everything without calling Jesse downstairs to help me.  For as smart as I am, remotes and new cell phones can send me over the edge of frustration.  Wouldn't want to cause a panic attack because I can't find the Dr. Phil!

We did a Costco run to pick up food Steve can fix easily for me since cooking for him means a granola bar and opening a can of soup.  I am sure my precious Erin will  help in that dept. Erin is phenominal cook. I asked Erin yesterday if she would make her pancakes and freeze them for me.  You would think they are gross because they are gluten free and egg free (Hannah has food allergies) but they are the best pancakes I have ever had.  In case I had not mentioned it Erin and the kids moved into their own place last weekend.

Erin, as you know has been through her own very brutal cancer battle and Hannah knows cancer.  She is old enough to remember.  When I first met Erin (she came from Montana to meet me)  Hannah was with her.  Tom was on hospice by then.  Hannah asked me where my daddy was. I told her he was downstairs.  She wanted to know if she could see him.  I reiterated that he was very sick and was she sure she wanted to.  She did and Erin has really encouraged her kids to deal with death in whatever way comes up.  I asked if she was scared and she said she was and would I hold her.  We went into Tom's room and I introduced her.  Hannah had asked me if Tom was going to die and I told her he was.  She leaned into me and she said "Will you tell him to tell my daddy I really, really miss him?"  Dear Lord, why must death be part of life?  I know it is His mercy so we do not have to stay here in a broken world forever but couldn't we just work it out so it doesn't have to hurt so much?

So yesterday Erin and the kids came by.  Erin is very honest with them so they knew I was sick and they knew it was cancer.  Of course their first questions were "is she going to die?"  Cancer in their history means death.  Oh Papa, why must these little ones have to hurt?  We visited and they were all over Steve and I.  Probably the most affectionate kids I know.  Gavin and Steve have a very special bond and the kids can be entranced with me but the minute Steve pulls into the driveway I become chopped liver.  When it was time to go Hannah would not let go of me.  She would take a step away then back to wrap her arms around me again.  I asked her if she was scared and she said she just didn't want to go.  She wanted me to come home with her.  I want to protect them.  I am their Oma and they are my babies and it hurts me for them to go through another painful experience.

That said I have to believe that God has been intricately weaving this tapestry for quite a while.  The circumstances of Erin meeting Paul Young are so intriguing.  Paul connected me with Erin as both of our husbands battled for their lives.  My sister and I fell in love with Erin.  Erin moves in with me and God knew all.  He knew her kids would have to go through another cancer battle and He is not a cruel God and would never inflict pain on them so I have to believe He is in the details.  Erin needed me and once again I need her.  She is a great comfort to me as I know she gets it.  No explanation needed and she is very observant and when I am falling apart and don't know why she is able to see what I can't see and help me through it.  I am old enough to be her momma but many times she has been mine.

God knew I would need Steve so soon after Tom died.  Steve and I have been friends for 35 years and dating was so not on my radar and yet Steve was just being a good friend who wanted to get me out of the house to see the new Muppet movie.  Neither of us wanted to fall in love yet God knew what would happen. God provided a way for me to not be alone at this very difficult time.  I don't understand it all and it feels horribly unfair to so many involved but I believe God is right here in it.  I wish I could make Him wave a magic wand and make it all go away but we all know it does not work that way.  For now it will have to be enough that He is in the thick of it with us.