Loose Ends

I dreamt of him.  This rarely happens.  One of the most devastating things that happen when someone close dies is the absoluteness of the void.  The nothingness of it all.  In my dreams he has always been on the other side of the room and when I get there he is gone again.  This time I was driving and he was in the passenger seat and Steve was behind Tom.  A song that was near and dear to Tom and I came on the radio and we locked eyes.  Mentally I was begging him to talk to me but I got nothing.  Just absence.  I woke up gasping for air, sad and angry.

Death leaves a lot of loose ends.  Why didn't he clean up the work bench before he left?  Where are the birth certificates?  What is the password to the file with our passwords? What was the name of the shop he used for the Mercedes? Do you miss me?  Help me out with this parenting stuff.  Lots of unanswered questions and no way to retrieve the answers.

I make ornaments for a local shop and I twist my own cording.  In the process I end up with lots of loose ends.  Small lengths of cording that might be just right for another ornament.  I store them in a box and it is so full that when I put the lid on it I have to stack another box on top to keep all the loose ends inside the box.

My life feels a lot like that these days.  So many loose ends.  Relationships that can’t be fixed right now.  Unresolved issues.   A very messy workbench, and dreams that leave me wanting.  I am a fixer and used to doing what I can to bring peace but sometimes there is nothing more I can do, so I am learning, begrudgingly, to tuck the loose ends into a box and put it up on the shelf and if I have to, stack another box on top to keep the loose ends tucked away.  If I don’t I will lose my mind. 

I work hard on focusing on the good in my life.  This is difficult because I am so worn down from the past 4 years.  Weary and faint of heart.  But, I have a husband who adores me, a nice house and nice cars, kids I am so very proud of, absolutely the cutest grandbabies ever born and more wealth than most of the world.  God continues to be good in my life.  There is much to be grateful for.