A still small voice

I know His voice.  Often it is just an impression.  A nudge this way or that.  A check in my spirit, "don't go there".  Sometimes I hear very clear words like the day they told me my husband was going to die and I heard Him as clearly as if He were sitting on the floor of the plane.  "Your future is going to be better than you could imagine."  I hate to sound sarcastic but my thoughts at that moment were "Really God?  It doesn't take a great deal of imagination to picture a future better than taking my husband home to die but thank you so very much for the comfort."  Yep, that's me - painfully real.  Yuck and all.
So last week I was sitting in my chair having my morning coffee and reading my devotional and contemplating on how great my life has become over the last year.  How I have risen from the ashes and God has managed once again to turn something intended for harm in my life into something wonderful.  Then I heard it, "get ready".  @#$%.  I know what that "get ready" means.  It means buckle up and hang on.  Immediately I thought, "Why are you always so cynical Maryellen?  Why always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Just be happy and relax."  But in my heart I know that voice and I knew I needed to buckle up.
In the meantime I had made an appt. with my friend and obgyn Dr. Dave.  Love that man.  He delivered 3 of my 4 babies and dedicated them to the Lord right there in the delivery room.  When he saw my name up on the board when I was having my 4th (different insurance) he came in and dedicated my fourth too.
I had a hard spot way down low in my abdomen.  I had already had a hysterectomy and an appendectomy but I wanted to make sure it was just some scar tissue.  Well, it wasn't scar tissue as you already know.  After several tests I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Probably stage 3 from the size.
&*$% again!  Come on life, cut me some slack here.  I'm supposed to be getting married in 10 weeks and now I have to go through major abdominal surgery and chemo.  And what about my new grandbaby that is due in the middle of that and how unfair for my kids to have to deal with this again.  I know they are adults but they are still so young and still need their parents.
So today here I am.  First stop of the day is the financial planner for advice.  I only have catastrophic health coverage at this point.  Let's see how God handles that one.  Second stop, the oncologist to schedule surgery then chemo.  I'm really scared.  I'm more scared for Steve and the kids than myself.
Today I have a choice to make.  I can wallow in the self pity I rightfully deserve right now or I can buckle up and fight like a girl.  I'm in a fight'n mood right now.  I choose, once again, to believe that I serve a God who really does care.  That I serve a God who really is good even when really bad things happen to good people.  I don't understand why but I know that I am such a better person for what I went through with Tom.  It has been brutal and horribly unfair but it wrought wonderful things in my life.
We covet your prayers.  Right now we don't need much in the way of help because right now I feel fine. I have no pain or any indication that anything is wrong except that my pants fit a little different.  I thought it was Christmas cookie weight but I actually weighed a couple pounds less.  It is tumor growth but I feel great right now.  I am sure surgery will be very soon and I will need some help then.  For now Steve has decided to move what he can over here so he can be here as much as possible and we will arrange to get married as soon as I physically can and hopefully before I start chemo.  We would do it this weekend but it is just too much at one time right this moment.  We need a bit to adjust to all that has been thrown our way.  For now I am doing ok.  Not great but ok.  Sara will go to our appointments with us since I don't seem to remember anything the Dr. said at this point and Steve is trying to absorb info as fast as he can.
Thank you all and my family is so appreciative of how you have been there for us.  Even your smallest gesture does not go unnoticed.

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