Hope

What greater thing is there for two human souls,
than to feel that they are joined for life -
to strengthen each other in all labor,
to rest on each other in all sorrow,
to minister to each other in all pain,
to be one with each other
in silent unspeakable memories
at the moment of the last parting?

~ George Eliot

This has been a month of contemplation for me.  The one year anniversary of Tom's passing comes on March 14th and my mind reflects on the past 2 1/2 years.  Much of that times is foggy in my mind.  I have to ask others about the sequence of events or who was present when.  I struggle to remember the detail of that day.  I rely on my kids and my sister to fill me in.

I awoke at about 2:30 and my room was silent.  I laid still and listened and did not hear snoring or even breathing.  I propped myself up on one elbow so I could listen with both ears.  I did not want to turn the light on.  Perhaps if I don't turn the light on it won't be real.  Maybe I can just pretend this isn't happening.  I dreaded this day.

  I turned on the bedside lamp and looked at Tom.  He was so still, (not uncommon towards the end).  I didn't want to check.  Fear, panic, grief took over.  I got up and went to him and could not feel a pulse or feel any breath.  Damn.  Damn that I slept through his final moments. Perhaps that was a gift to me but I vowed to be there till death us do part. Damn this life and this cruel world.  Damn, Damn, Damn.  I'm sorry but for those of in the trenches sometimes that is just the best word to describe the utter frustration of this life.

   Now what?  What should I do?  I have a house full of sleeping kids and really don't want them to wake up to a house full of strangers  nor do I want to leave his side to get them up.  I called Tom's sister.  "Susan, tell me what to do".  God bless her.  She told me to call Sara because Sara could get here quicker . Susan lives 45 minutes away but she was on her way.  Emily and Kavin were asleep on an airbed in the living room.  I didn't want to leave the room so I texted her.  She came downstairs knowing.  Knowing I would not wake her up in the middle of the night for anything non-critical.  Please someone, take over.  Tell me what to do here.  I remember very little after that.  Soon my sister arrived and hospice was called.  It fell on Emily, my oldest, to wake the boys and tell them.  I'm sorry you had to do that Emily.  I am the parent, but I am so grateful you were here.  Andrea and Rhys were on their way.  I needed someone to take over.  I was frozen.  I wanted every second of that day to be etched in my memory but I remember so little.  I had asked the funeral director (a friend of mine) if at all possible could he do the removal himself.  He had a service that morning so it would have to wait until that was over for him to do it himself.  I could wait.  I wanted to drag this out as long as possible.  Don't take him away from me.  Please don't take him away.  Can't I have just one more lucid day?  Just one.  Please God, just let him tell me one more time that he loves me and that everything is going to be ok.  But it won't be and it wasn't.

   I worked in the funeral industry for 10 years so I had some very specific wishes.  I wanted to wash him and dress him myself.  My one final gift to him.  I did not want someone who doesn't love him taking his clothes off.  Jordan and I did it ourselves with the help of a hospice nurse.  I had bought him a brand new oregon ducks long sleeve shirt.  I did not want him to be cold.    His dog, Bella, a tiny miniature Doxie would not leave from under his bed so I picked her up and put her on the bed with Tom.  She would not go near his face which was very unlike her.  She settled in the indent between both legs where she stayed for 7 hours.  I never left the room except to help one of the boys who was struggeling.  He had already suffered so much loss in his life and that life of loss came crushing in.

   My mom came to cook for people and take care of the practicle matters.  People would need to be fed more than once that day.  I remember them bringing me food but I remember it being a struggle to eat.  My dad came to comfort me.  He has lost a spouse too.  My house was full but I struggle to remember the details.

    Nothing can prepare you for the moment they take your loved one away.  Nothing.  I had very specific ideas about what I wanted even in this.  Tom was going to be cremated so I had bought a white quilt for him to be wrapped in.  I had made him a quilt that I was going to have him buried in but we had decided upon cremation and I could not bear the idea of his quilt being burned up so I bought a plain white quilt. The kids spent the day huddled on the king size bed writing notes to dad on the quilt.  The dogs even left a footprint.  I did not want his face covered in my presence.  But nothing prepared me for how hard that moment would be when I knew I would never see him again.  I can't remember feeling that much pain.  It physically hurts.  It hurts even to write these words and I have not gotten this down without a good hard cry.  I miss that man.  He was so whacky.  I miss his bursts of laughter.  I miss his smack talking with the boys and their friends.  I actually miss being woken in the middle of the night by a shaking bed and a laughing husband even as he sleeps.

   I feel so blessed to have walked that road with him.  Blessed to have been his wife for 30 years.  Blessedd to have such great kids who love and look out for their momma.  Blessed that God showed up in amazing ways in our darkest hours.  Blessed to have friends who would light our way when we could not see through the darkness.  Blessed that I am on the climb out of the valley of the shadow of death even when it hurts like it was yesterday.

   I am a thankful and blessed woman.  I have a rich life.  Not the life I envisioned but I cling to the hope that God is true to his word.  That my future will be greater than I imagined.  I have no idea what that means for me but I hope.  And hope is a powerful thing.

Tricia Lott Williford says "I have a PHD in hope." 



   

Vyeing For Control

I would have thought by now my need to control would have been dealt with.  I have lived two of the most un-controllable years of my life, yet I still want control.  I want to know what is around the next bend so I know if it safe to venture out into the clearing or not.  It is much easier to trust when we have a picture of what things will look like.  But then, is that really trust?

I made it through my first 5 weeks of school and it has been a huge challenge.  I have spent more hours in the math lab than I care to count.  I think I am doing pretty well in Algebra and Psychology.  Nutrition, not so much.  How hard could nutrition be?  Well, for starters, this is the teachers first year teaching and she is a registered dietitian not a teacher.  She has spent four hours each week reading her Powerpoint out loud to the class.  Don't try to have a discussion in class because "we are going to get to that" is her byline.  On my first assignment I misread the instructions and only got a C.  C!?  I do not do C work.  Then, we took our midterm yesterday and we were all woefully unprepared for this test.  There was so much on the test that we had not gone over in class.  Lot's of chemistry and calculations and the pressure was so great that I could not for the life of me remember how to do the calculations.  Most of the class was angry after the test at how ill prepared we were and we had all spent a great deal of time studying.  AARRGGHH!  I am seriously questioning whether I want to spend the next 4 years working this hard.  I am unaccustomed to not being really good at what I do.

On another front.  I am navigating a relationship with a man.  This is a man Tom and I have been friends with for 32 years. We have established and re-established our just friends status but it still difficult for me.  I have not done anything alone with another man without Tom being present for 30 years.  Marriage is a great insulator.  On our second "non-date"  I got so anxious I threw up in his car.  Thankfully he had a container close by but it was still a humiliating moment.  Even though we are just friends.  A panic attack in front of others is really hard for me.  I find that I am easily conflicted and have a great need to try and control any outcomes.  I have no idea where this will lead or if it will ever be anything more than just a friendship.  It is definitely a learning experience for me.  Who am I without Tom?  What do I want for my future?  What will that man look like?  How does this person or that person fit into my story?  Right now the thought of a real date is very scary to me.  The thought of someone wanting to hold my hand frightens me  much less the thought of kissing someone besides Tom.  Thankfully in this situation there is no expectation of that.  He knew Tom and does not mind my endless mention of Tom in our conversations.  Tom is and always will be a huge part of my life and whomever I find will have to accept that or he is not the right guy for me.  But,...I still want to control.

I try to keep in mind what God said to me on the plane back from California when my world came crashing down.  the day they told us that yes, Tom would not survive this.  I was devastated  yet, I heard God say, as if he were sitting on the floor in front of me and holding my face in his hand, "Your future is going to be better than you imagine."  I cling to the belief that God has a story to write.  I did not die with Tom, although I wanted to.  My life will go on and God has MY story to write.  I keep wanting to grab his pen but I know all too well that He is much better writer than I.  So for now I will once again relinquish my need to control.  Once again I will lay this book at His feet and allow Him to write undisturbed and I will anxiously await the next chapter.