Well, this is week of big milestones for our family. Milestones we wish were not part of our history. The day after Christmas two years ago, during our family Christmas party, it was very obvious that something was wrong with Tom so we left our party and headed to the ER and our world came crashing in. Then last year Tom and I spent our Christmas in the City of Hope hospital in California, alone as alomost every other patient had been released for the hoilday weekend - but, my husband was still alive so I was not complaining. This year my family will face our first Christmas without him. Do we do the same things we have always done or do we switch it up? No way are we going to forget, so we have opted to do what we always do. I dread the day and look forward to getting past this milestone. Tom's Christmases as a kid were very different than my family Christmases. I think Christmas was a difficult burden for a single mother who could barely make ends meet let alone pull together something magical. When we got married Tom's stocking was stuffed with the tissue paper it came with and had never been filled, ever. At our house, stockings are half the fun and the bigger the stocking the better. When he spent his first Christmas at my parents farm he was blown away by the relaxed and joyful atmosphere. We always had spare kids from East Hill filling our house and tons of food and fun. My mothers love language is gifts so she just loved to bless people and the more the merrier. That is how Tom and I chose to spend our Christmases. Because we have so often shared our home with the broken it was not uncommon to see an extra stocking or two. Even as I write I have our stocking plus Elisa's and Jason's. A home filled with kids is a joyful home although often chaotic.
Last week I was at a Christmas party and a woman who has been unhappily married for a long time came up to say hi and began to whine. Really!? Do you really want to whine to me this year? I think my last two years pretty much trumps hers and I have plenty of reason to whine but I choose not to. I still have much to be thankful for. I walk around with a broken heart every day but somehow that broken heart has enabled me to see how precious life is. How short life is and how much there is here to appreciate. I would love to be in a position to whine about my marriage right now. I would love to be mad that his clothes did not make it into the hamper or he forgot to put the trash out. It;s all about perspective. Pain teaches us things, if we let it. "If" is the relative word here. I could choose to wallow. In fact, I have every right to wallow. Instead I choose to look to the hills from where my help comes. I choose to suck all I can from this pain. I choose to believe that somehow God will take our pain and make something good come of it. Nope, it's not fair and my kids and I did not deserve this but we have felt God's presence in ways we never imagined. We hurt but now we have deep compassion.
So, when you feel like complaining because he did not get you the right thing for Christmas, be thankful he is here to screw it up. When you feel like complaining because you have done all this work to make this day magical and he just sits and enjoys, be thankful you can give your family this gift. It is all about where we choose to live. I choose to live in thankfulness.
