Well, I made it through the holidays. I had to take more anxiety medication than usual but I made it through and we had happiness. It is a very different kind of happiness but it was happiness. The Tom shaped hole in our family was very present. His stocking was hung by the chimney with care. He is still here in so many ways.
But, he is NOT here.
This is a strange happiness mixed with deep saddness and a strange saddness mixed with an odd happiness.
The changing of the year actually bothered me more than Christmas day. I had set my mind to just get through that day but as the end of 2011 came and the start of 2012 arrived I felt a deep saddness. I felt sad that my life must go on...without him. Sad that this year that has shaped me so much and been such a monument in my life is over and a new year has begun. Sad that every passing day takes me a bit further away from a life I truly loved and the heartache that has become my constant companion. Isn't that an odd emotion?
Right now I just try to feel. When I try not to feel the anxiety level goes way up. But, I don't want to feel what I feel. A huge part of my heart has been ripped open. My history with him has dissappeared. I don't want to create a history that does not include him and yet I have no choice.
This has been and continues to be an amazing journey. I know "amazing" is an odd choice of words but it best describes this process. It has been brutal. Beyond brutal really. I have survived my worst fear yet I have happiness often. Saddness often. I am still breathing. I have not been consumed, although at times I wish I would be. There are times when I just want to be with him. I will love him till the day I die. He has shaped me in so many ways.
I have known a peace that has eluded me all my life. I thought that peace would arrive in a world where you lived right, loved God, and had a blessed life. Instead it arrived in the midst of my worst nightmare. It arrived in the place that screamed "OUT OF CONTROL". It arrived in the most profound ways and I rest in the knowledge that I will be ok. Yes, it hurts like hell but I will be ok.
So, when you see me on the street it is ok to be sad for me because this hurts, but be happy for me as well because God showed up in all of his glory and gave me the very gift I had been searching for all my life. It is a grace ticket.
I have loved like never before. I have felt love like never before. And God is still good.
