Family Vacation

Family Vacation

Last Friday we went to the beach for the weekend.  All of us.  The girls and their families, Jordan (Elisa had to work), Jesse and his girlfriend, also an Emily, and Steve and I.  It was our first family retreat without Tom and oh, the missing crept in.  I missed him as I packed.  I missed the chaos that seemed to follow Tom wherever he went.  The chaos that drove us all nuts but this weekend we missed so much.  I could picture him sprawled out on the floor acting as a grand-baby jungle gym.  I missed his infectious laughter.  I was doing pretty well until I caught a glimpse of Jesse in the hot tub and at that moment he was the spittin image of his dad.  It was surreal.  I tried not to cry - never a wise decision for me as it almost always leads to a panic attack, which it did.  When I retired to my room I started shaking uncontrollably - my pre-panic attack warning signal.  Steve knows the signs and wrapped his arms around me and let me pour out my grief.  My fears of not knowing who I am or how I fit into this family of mine.  My grief over the fact that my life has not gone at all as I had planned.  Tom and I were a team.  This was supposed to be our team.  These were supposed to be OUR golden years where we basked in the joy of our grandchildren.  Life is just so unfair sometimes.  He so would have loved those babies.
     As for me I am often left to wonder who I am any more.  Being these kids mom and Tom's wife was who I was.  I never desired more.  I was very content in that role and now everything has changed.  They don't need me in the same way anymore and I am no longer Tom's wife.  I was very thankful Steve came because I think my feeling of being lost in this crowd of mine would have been so much worse had I not brought this man who gives me hope that God is not done writing my story.  Hope that God will give me new dreams in place of the ones that will never come true.  Hope that there is love after loss even when it does not make the loss any less of a loss.  I grieve the life I dreamed of.  I grieve the lack of children in my home.  I grieve getting old as Oma and Opa.  Yet, I look forward to what God has in store with hopeful anticipation.  He is not done writing my story and so far I like the way this story begins.  There are days when I can't wait to turn the next page but still many days when I long for the last chapter to be just a little bit longer.  Days when I long for the ending I thought I was going to have.  Days when it feels like yesterday and when it feels like life is just so not fair.

God is a good God who is one step ahead of us all the time.  He knows the plans He has for us.  He plans to give us a hope and a future, even when it may feel like all your dreams have died.  He is a dreamweaver.  The ultimate imagineer.  Oh, Walt Disney would have loved what God could dream up!

It's been a while

    It's been a while since I posted.  I have been very busy playing catch up.   Since the quilt show where I won so many awards I have been swamped with orders and busy quilting nearly every day.  I still wonder if this will be enough to live on or exactly what God's plan is for me.  I also started working in the chemo infusion room at Providence on Thursdays and I simply love it.  And, on top of that already busy-ness I am navigating a relationship so I don't have a lot of free time anymore but it feels so good to be happy again.  So good.
    If you know me at all, you know that I am a thinker.  My brain rarely relaxes.  I contemplate everything. Everything!  I am constantly trying to stay one step ahead of God.  To anticipate His next move.  To be more prepared unless another hurricane strikes.  Control.  Oy, the bane of my existence.  Will I ever truly just give it up?  Will I ever relax and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop?  This life is not an easy journey for a thinker.
     I have told you before about my whisper from God on the plane when my life was dying right before my very eyes.  In case I didn't, Tom and I were on the plane to fly back home after his last check up when we had been told that yes, he was dying and there was nothing more worth trying.  Tom seemed a bit oblivious.  The cancer?  Denial? Brain damage?  Not really sure, but I would have given anything to be oblivious at that moment.  Instead my heart was being ripped from my chest.  My life was imploding and all that I knew was being torn from my desperate grasp.  And God, in His gentle way, took my face in His hands and breathed into my soul, "Your future is going to better than you could ever imagine."   How could this possibly be true?  My life was dying even as I breathed.  The life I knew and dreamed of had been ripped away and I was lost.  Who would I be without him?  What dream could I possibly have that did not include him?  What was going to happen to me?  How could God be enough?  How could life be better than I imagined when all I could see was pain and loss?
     From where we stand, we can't see whether it's something good or bad.  All we can see is that God is sovereign and He is always good, working all things for good.  "Farmer" Voscamp (Ann Voscamps husband)
    
     Today my life is happy.  I am dating I man I truly love.  Someone I have known for 33 years.  We dated for a year and a half back in 79-80.  He is one of the kindest men I have ever known.  He is steady and smart and strong and he loves me.  This is a pretty easy relationship for me.  Steve is an easy guy.   I was lucky enough to be an adored wife for 30 years and I was afraid I would never find that a second time but Steve adores me.  Tom would approve.  Tom knew Steve and he would be so proud of the way Steve treats me.  It is certainly better than I could have ever imagined that day on the plane.  I still have a great sadness, maybe I always will.   I have days when the loss is still very staggering. Days when the hole is gaping.  Days when I wish Tom were here to share my new life.  To share my victories.  But, Steve accepts my sadness and my love for Tom.  He understands that my love for him is not divided by my love for Tom.  He is a good man.  A wise man and Tom would be cheering us on.
    Today my life is better than I could have imagined and God is good.  We view our life through a tiny peephole in the door and we do not see the whole picture.  God is sovereign and the pain and loss in our lives does not go unnoticed by God.  He saves our tears in a bottle and uses them to water new dreams in our lives.  He works all things for our good, even when we can not see it.  He is a good God, even in our suffering.  So much of it has to do with choosing to look for the good and when we cannot see, choosing to believe that He is still on the throne.