Wow! Hard to believe that it has been a whole month since I have posted. This feels like it has been a month on a roller coaster ride for me. My mom pointed out that not only am I still dealing with some grief but I am also going into menopause. Yay! So exciting to be dealing with both at the same time! Can't wait!
July 10th was Kalebs second birthday and a new wave of grief engulfed me on the way down there. I love that boy soooo much and it grieves me that Tom does not get to experience all that I am getting to experience with him. Kaleb has a wonderful Papa in Kavin's dad but it also hurts when Kaleb is so overjoyed to see his papa. Kaleb thinks Dale hung the moon and I can't help but feel an ache that Tom is not here to get to experience that. Being grandparents was something that we really looked forward to and Tom handed over a great commission to both Kaleb's grandpa and Lexi's grandpa since he would not be here to have that role in their life. Fortunately both men have done a wonderful job of being that influence in the kids lives but it does hurt just a little.
Steve and I have reached a place in the relationship where we are doing some of the hard work. The honeymoon period of new love is waning and now we are doing that tough stuff and a part of me wants to run. I want to go back to Egypt where it's warm and secure. I want my old, familiar back. I feel too old to learn new tricks and to adapt to another persons quirks. I miss having someone know me the way you know someone after 3o years of marriage. I married at 19 so we learned to dance together. It may have been a funky dance but we did it so well and so in sync with each other and I just feel too old and tired to learn a new dance. Yuck! While in general I feel like I am doing pretty good, the grief comes in waves. Sometimes barely cresting and sometimes a sneaker wave that pulls me out to sea. You go through this process where you eventually have to grieve everything you have lost. Yes, I have grieved the person I have lost but sometimes you grieve the loss of the fact that they knew how you liked your coffee or they kept track of the gas in the car. Those are the things you don't think about until they sneak up on you.
Our little dance for yard work was I would weed the flower beds and toss the weeds on the lawn then he would come out and rake up my mess and put it in the yard debris bin. Now I have to rake up my own mess. I grieve the dance. Not deep grief, just a barely cresting wave.
Here is the challenge in my life right now. It always comes down to control. I want control. I want to run so I feel like I have control. I want familiar so I feel like I have control. This is not the life I have chosen but am I really willing to go along for the ride. Sometimes that ride feels like The Tower of Terror when what I want is the Dumbo ride. When you ride The Tower of Terror you experience things you never get on Dumbo or on My Toads Wild Ride. What will I choose? Will I choose safe and predictable or exhilarating but kind of scary. Today I don't know the answer but I am asking the questions.
What will you choose today? Safe and predictable or a little scary and exhilarating? Choose wisely and let go of the need to control.
