Do you ever feel like God's got your number and He is in relentless pursuit of your wholeness and you don't remember asking Him to be?
"I'm sorry, what was that God? I asked you in the midst of a panic attack when I was begging you to make it stop? Hmmm, I am pretty sure you misunderstood. What I meant was I want you to magically make it stop. But that is ok, I will use my get out of jail free card now. What? This is Life not Monopoly and a get out of jail free card does not work? Dang, can I buy a vowel? I am not sure I want to play with you anymore."
I did not sign up for anymore hard work. I want a GraceTicket, right now, and if I don't get what I want I am going to lay down on this floor and throw a tantrum!
Sound familiar? I have been having one of those weeks where everywhere I turn God is relentlessly hounding me that my thought life is something I need to deal with aggressively. But what if I can't. What if these feelings are real? What if I miss something? "What if" is my byline for everything. Steve would like to marry me and I say "But what if?" He says, "But what if you can never stop saying what if?" What if I marry him and he dies too? (That is a pretty big one for me). What if we don't have enough money? What if it is hard work? (Pretty much guaranteed). What if He can't change? What if I can't change......
The "what if's" are endless and it is making me sick. Literally. When I have a panic attack I throw up and shake uncontrollably and am pretty darn sure I am going to die right then and there. If I don't die I am scared to death that it won't stop. So much of it started hours before as I let a few "what if's" creep past the gate. Mind you, this is not a well guarded gate. I have lived my life there and have become quite lax. I also have lived through some very hard and very painful things which add credence to the what if's. If anyone was entitled to be afraid of the other shoe dropping it is me. I wish that having lived through my worst fear gave me a trump card for the rest of life. It doesn't work that way. I wish I could say "I have paid my dues" and the what if's would pass me by.
Sometimes what it takes to get well is a whole lot of hard work. Sometimes when they dig out the cancer the recovery feels worse than the cancer did. Sometimes what lays ahead seems just too daunting to even take a step in that direction. I get that. Believe me, I do. I am scared spitless that I won't be able to get victory over how I think. I am scared I will have panic attacks for the rest of my life. I am scared that it will be scary and hard and I will fall and be right back where I started and will have been walking in vain circles. Hmmm, that sound like a "what if" doesn't it?
So tomorrow I will get up, put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I will purposely replace my what if's with something else. Any suggestions for a new mantra?
