A new and different Christmas.

This is a new and different Christmas for me.  Some of it very exciting and some of it just plain painful.  The last 3 Christmases have been hell.  2009 we left in the middle of our family Christmas get together to go to the ER where our world fell apart.  2010 we spent alone on a cancer ward in another state as I watched my grandson's first Christmas on Skype.  Ten weeks later I became a widow.  2011 I decorated the tree alone, by my choice, I just wanted to get it over with and it was hard.  Christmas day I just had my boys and it was a very hard day for us all.

This year I am recently engaged to a man I have known for 34 years.  You would think I would be so very happy and excited about the future but Christmas brings a host of often very painful memories for me as I am sure it does for many people.   There are the very happy memories of what it was like when all the kids were in the house and I was a stay at home mom and had the energy to bake cookies.  Memories of all the excitement that having kids in the house brings.  Also memories of how hyper kids act in the weeks before Santa arrives.  How mom needs to drink the rest of the bottle of wine when making fondue just to get through decorating a tree with 4 rambunctious kids.  Memories of all the traditions we created as a family throughout the years.  And sadly, memories of all the traditions that were with Tom that will just be memories now as Steve and I create our own traditions.

This has been a rough couple of days for me.  I could feel the panic coming on last night and knew that was my cue to let it out or I would have a full blown panic attack.  I cried hard.  I cried for all that died of me with Tom.  For all the Christmases with his grandchildren that he will not get to share with me.  For all the things he knew to put in my stocking.  For all the traditions that were ours.  I cried because it is not easy to start again.  I cried for the life I no longer have and at the same time I look forward to the life Steve and I are creating.  What a strange mix of emotions this all is.  I feel confused a lot at the mix I feel.  I feel very happy but I also feel intense grief at the same time.  I am not a person who like change very well.  Tom and I have only lived in 3 houses in the 30 years we were married.  We got a new car about every 10 years.  I crave familiarity and security.  I know it is only perceived security but hey, I will take what I can get.

I have been stretched way beyond what I ever thought I could take.  I have suffered and thought I would be consumed.  But I wasn't.  God continues to be good and faithful even when the picture doesn't look like you thought it would.

So, today, as you celebrate with those who have had their hearts broken.  Be gentle.  Try to remember that grief is not something you "get over".  It rears it's ugly head at the most inopportune times and in the most unexpected moments and even when a person may be laughing there may still be a well of pain that they do not feel safe to allow out.  Be aware that this can be a very painful season for many, many people for many reasons.

I wish you a Merry Christmas today and may God bless you.