I guess I thought that after 2 1/2 years and a completely different life that the grief would be over. For the most part it is over but there are still moments when it brings me to my knees. The other day I was reading a pre-sale copy of Tricia Lott Williford's book And Life Comes Back, and the grief was as fresh as the day Tom died. In the first chapter she recounts the day her young husband died unexpectedly and all those feeling that I try to keep so well tucked inside came raging to the surface as if it were yesterday.
I have read her story a number of times as I have followed her blog. Her husband died just 3 months before Tom. I consider her a friend although we have never met. I have spoken with her on the phone and Erin and I regularly discuss her blog as if we know her personally. In a sense we do know her personally as she has shared her brutal journey with the world. Never the less, it was as if Tom's death had happened yesterday. I distinctly remember waking up that night and not hearing him breathing and not wanting to turn the light on. If I left the light off then perhaps I would not have to face this harsh reality. Denial would be a welcome visitor right then.
Sometimes this lot seems just too much to bear. First the brutal death of my husband of 30 years and then my own diagnosis. I want to be happy, I truly do but happiness does not come easy right now. I am grateful for God's perfect timing in my life and for bringing Steve at a time when I would desperately need him even though it felt too soon on some levels. It felt a bit like I was not honoring my husband to even entertain the thought of someone else but as I look back I can see that God knew what I would need very quickly.
I try to find the joy wherever I can. A new kitty and his playful antics. My beautiful grandbabies. Sunshine, fall, coffee in the morning.... I try, I really do. My life is so much better than 90% of the world but this fear that dogs me is often overwhelming. I can deal with the plan if I know what it is. It;s the not knowing that drives me insane. At this point in my life I can't make plans for a vacation for a year from now because I may be back in treatment in a year. I may have 5 years, I may have 30. It is really not much different than it probably is for you except that I KNOW I have something that could kill me. It is not a fun place to reside. There is a part of me that would rather just know than to have this fear. I know these feelings are not at all uncommon in a cancer journey and it helps to know that others feel the same way but man I wish I had a grace ticket around this journey. It appears that the grace ticket it THROUGH this journey and not around it. There are many days when I do not feel the grace. There are many days when the pain of what I have gone through, what I am going through and what I cannot fix or control is just too much. I wonder where is God in all this? I do not feel the overwhelming peace that I felt when I was going through it with Tom yet every day I get out of bed. Everyday that I feel I will be consumed, I survive. Isn't the fear so often that we will not survive? Or perhaps sometimes that we will survive? In reality, I did survive and I am surviving. Today, I choose to live. Today I choose not to focus on what I cannot fix. I choose to let go of the broken relationships that cause me such pain yet I cannot fix it. I choose to enjoy a kitty who wants to type for me. To enjoy a man who thinks I hung the moon. To bask in the glow of a fall day and sweaters and a fireplace and cross stitch. Today I choose life and hopefully tomorrow I will have the strength to choose it again.
