I dreamt of him. This
rarely happens. One of the most
devastating things that happen when someone close dies is the absoluteness of
the void. The nothingness of it all. In my dreams he has always been on the other
side of the room and when I get there he is gone again. This time I was driving and he was in the
passenger seat and Steve was behind Tom.
A song that was near and dear to Tom and I came on the radio and we locked
eyes. Mentally I was begging him to talk
to me but I got nothing. Just
absence. I woke up gasping for air, sad
and angry.
Death leaves a lot of loose ends. Why didn't he clean up the work bench before
he left? Where are the birth
certificates? What is the password to
the file with our passwords? What was the name of the shop he used for the
Mercedes? Do you miss me? Help me out
with this parenting stuff. Lots of
unanswered questions and no way to retrieve the answers.
I make ornaments for a local shop and I twist my own
cording. In the process I end up with
lots of loose ends. Small lengths of
cording that might be just right for another ornament. I store them in a box and it is so full that
when I put the lid on it I have to stack another box on top to keep all the
loose ends inside the box.
My life feels a lot like that these days. So many loose ends. Relationships that can’t be fixed right
now. Unresolved issues. A very
messy workbench, and dreams that leave me wanting. I am a fixer and used to doing what I can to
bring peace but sometimes there is nothing more I can do, so I am learning,
begrudgingly, to tuck the loose ends into a box and put it up on the shelf and
if I have to, stack another box on top to keep the loose ends tucked away. If I don’t I will lose my mind.
I work hard on focusing on the good in my life. This is difficult because I am so worn down
from the past 4 years. Weary and faint
of heart. But, I have a husband who
adores me, a nice house and nice cars, kids I am so very proud of, absolutely
the cutest grandbabies ever born and more wealth than most of the world. God continues to be good in my life. There is much to be grateful for.
