I don't feel amazing

  I know some of you think I am strong and courageous.  Some of you even think I am amazing because I have lived through a nightmare and can still see the goodness of God even in this.  Perhaps you are right but I feel anything but amazing.

    There are days when I feel on top of the world again.  Days when I am OK with this new life.  Days when tomorrow holds promise.  And then there are days....  I seem to still have a lot of those days.  Days when I am freaking out trying to control the future.  When I am cowering in a corner begging to go back to Egypt.  Days when this life seems so completely unfair, and it is.

    I miss having someone who knows my every nuance.  Who knows the sound of MY feet on the stairs.  Someone who knows that I am freaking out and that this is temporary and tomorrow I will be OK.  I miss my history.  We knew how to dance together.  We walked in a steady cadence and knew what the other partner would do next.  I miss that.  Thirty years of history.  Damn that is hard sometimes.

    New is good too though.  I love having someone who wants to learn to dance with me.  I love learning a new dance.  I love recognizing his footsteps on the stairs and the smell of him.  But I freak out pretty regularly.  We could be having a perfectly wonderful day and some scary thought crosses my mind and I am on the roller coaster again.  What if we can't learn each other?  What if the dance is just awkward and dorky?  What if I don't like the smell of him tomorrow?  What if I can't predict the future?  What if he dies too?

    All of these thoughts make a regular occurrence in my head and my knee jerk reaction is to run.  If I feel insecure I want to run.  If I feel afraid I want to run.  I want to get out before I get hurt again.  I do not feel strong or courageous.  I feel scared.  I want to control.  I want predictable and safe and guaranteed.  I don't want to be amazing I want to be safe.

   Ahhh, but life is not safe and if we ever feel secure it is merely the misnomer of security.  Our only real security is that somehow in all this chaos and pain that is this life, God is still on the throne.  He's got the whole world in His hand.

   I choose to live on this edge even when I don't like it.  I choose to believe that God will NEVER leave me or forsake me, even if it sometimes feels that way.  I choose to live as if He has good things planned for me if I would just get out of His way.  I choose to let Him write my story even though this book is not going in the direction I surely thought it was.  I choose to let Him give me a new history and to believe that someone knows the smell of my hair and the sound of my feet on the stairs even if it is not Tom anymore.
 
   So for now, I will get up every morning, put on my big girl panties and try to slay these dragons that haunt my thoughts.  Maybe I am strong and courageous even when I feel so very weak and timid.

Lord give me the strength to be weak.  To let you work your perfect will in this very imperfect heart of mine.  Help me to get out of your way and to do it gracefully and with love.