He is in the thick of our mess

No doubt I am having a hard time right now.  I would say my general anxiety level in the best of times hovers around a 6 and it takes very little to get from 6 to 10.  Steve is in full "lets get ready" mode.  He went yesterday and bought me a fully electric recliner so I would not have to use my abdominal muscles at all to move.  He spent most of the day cleaning out Tom's closet of my Christmas stuff and organizing my room so he can stay where I am.  Today his computer will be moved in to my room and he is trying to simplify the TV so I can work everything without calling Jesse downstairs to help me.  For as smart as I am, remotes and new cell phones can send me over the edge of frustration.  Wouldn't want to cause a panic attack because I can't find the Dr. Phil!

We did a Costco run to pick up food Steve can fix easily for me since cooking for him means a granola bar and opening a can of soup.  I am sure my precious Erin will  help in that dept. Erin is phenominal cook. I asked Erin yesterday if she would make her pancakes and freeze them for me.  You would think they are gross because they are gluten free and egg free (Hannah has food allergies) but they are the best pancakes I have ever had.  In case I had not mentioned it Erin and the kids moved into their own place last weekend.

Erin, as you know has been through her own very brutal cancer battle and Hannah knows cancer.  She is old enough to remember.  When I first met Erin (she came from Montana to meet me)  Hannah was with her.  Tom was on hospice by then.  Hannah asked me where my daddy was. I told her he was downstairs.  She wanted to know if she could see him.  I reiterated that he was very sick and was she sure she wanted to.  She did and Erin has really encouraged her kids to deal with death in whatever way comes up.  I asked if she was scared and she said she was and would I hold her.  We went into Tom's room and I introduced her.  Hannah had asked me if Tom was going to die and I told her he was.  She leaned into me and she said "Will you tell him to tell my daddy I really, really miss him?"  Dear Lord, why must death be part of life?  I know it is His mercy so we do not have to stay here in a broken world forever but couldn't we just work it out so it doesn't have to hurt so much?

So yesterday Erin and the kids came by.  Erin is very honest with them so they knew I was sick and they knew it was cancer.  Of course their first questions were "is she going to die?"  Cancer in their history means death.  Oh Papa, why must these little ones have to hurt?  We visited and they were all over Steve and I.  Probably the most affectionate kids I know.  Gavin and Steve have a very special bond and the kids can be entranced with me but the minute Steve pulls into the driveway I become chopped liver.  When it was time to go Hannah would not let go of me.  She would take a step away then back to wrap her arms around me again.  I asked her if she was scared and she said she just didn't want to go.  She wanted me to come home with her.  I want to protect them.  I am their Oma and they are my babies and it hurts me for them to go through another painful experience.

That said I have to believe that God has been intricately weaving this tapestry for quite a while.  The circumstances of Erin meeting Paul Young are so intriguing.  Paul connected me with Erin as both of our husbands battled for their lives.  My sister and I fell in love with Erin.  Erin moves in with me and God knew all.  He knew her kids would have to go through another cancer battle and He is not a cruel God and would never inflict pain on them so I have to believe He is in the details.  Erin needed me and once again I need her.  She is a great comfort to me as I know she gets it.  No explanation needed and she is very observant and when I am falling apart and don't know why she is able to see what I can't see and help me through it.  I am old enough to be her momma but many times she has been mine.

God knew I would need Steve so soon after Tom died.  Steve and I have been friends for 35 years and dating was so not on my radar and yet Steve was just being a good friend who wanted to get me out of the house to see the new Muppet movie.  Neither of us wanted to fall in love yet God knew what would happen. God provided a way for me to not be alone at this very difficult time.  I don't understand it all and it feels horribly unfair to so many involved but I believe God is right here in it.  I wish I could make Him wave a magic wand and make it all go away but we all know it does not work that way.  For now it will have to be enough that He is in the thick of it with us.

A still small voice

I know His voice.  Often it is just an impression.  A nudge this way or that.  A check in my spirit, "don't go there".  Sometimes I hear very clear words like the day they told me my husband was going to die and I heard Him as clearly as if He were sitting on the floor of the plane.  "Your future is going to be better than you could imagine."  I hate to sound sarcastic but my thoughts at that moment were "Really God?  It doesn't take a great deal of imagination to picture a future better than taking my husband home to die but thank you so very much for the comfort."  Yep, that's me - painfully real.  Yuck and all.
So last week I was sitting in my chair having my morning coffee and reading my devotional and contemplating on how great my life has become over the last year.  How I have risen from the ashes and God has managed once again to turn something intended for harm in my life into something wonderful.  Then I heard it, "get ready".  @#$%.  I know what that "get ready" means.  It means buckle up and hang on.  Immediately I thought, "Why are you always so cynical Maryellen?  Why always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Just be happy and relax."  But in my heart I know that voice and I knew I needed to buckle up.
In the meantime I had made an appt. with my friend and obgyn Dr. Dave.  Love that man.  He delivered 3 of my 4 babies and dedicated them to the Lord right there in the delivery room.  When he saw my name up on the board when I was having my 4th (different insurance) he came in and dedicated my fourth too.
I had a hard spot way down low in my abdomen.  I had already had a hysterectomy and an appendectomy but I wanted to make sure it was just some scar tissue.  Well, it wasn't scar tissue as you already know.  After several tests I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Probably stage 3 from the size.
&*$% again!  Come on life, cut me some slack here.  I'm supposed to be getting married in 10 weeks and now I have to go through major abdominal surgery and chemo.  And what about my new grandbaby that is due in the middle of that and how unfair for my kids to have to deal with this again.  I know they are adults but they are still so young and still need their parents.
So today here I am.  First stop of the day is the financial planner for advice.  I only have catastrophic health coverage at this point.  Let's see how God handles that one.  Second stop, the oncologist to schedule surgery then chemo.  I'm really scared.  I'm more scared for Steve and the kids than myself.
Today I have a choice to make.  I can wallow in the self pity I rightfully deserve right now or I can buckle up and fight like a girl.  I'm in a fight'n mood right now.  I choose, once again, to believe that I serve a God who really does care.  That I serve a God who really is good even when really bad things happen to good people.  I don't understand why but I know that I am such a better person for what I went through with Tom.  It has been brutal and horribly unfair but it wrought wonderful things in my life.
We covet your prayers.  Right now we don't need much in the way of help because right now I feel fine. I have no pain or any indication that anything is wrong except that my pants fit a little different.  I thought it was Christmas cookie weight but I actually weighed a couple pounds less.  It is tumor growth but I feel great right now.  I am sure surgery will be very soon and I will need some help then.  For now Steve has decided to move what he can over here so he can be here as much as possible and we will arrange to get married as soon as I physically can and hopefully before I start chemo.  We would do it this weekend but it is just too much at one time right this moment.  We need a bit to adjust to all that has been thrown our way.  For now I am doing ok.  Not great but ok.  Sara will go to our appointments with us since I don't seem to remember anything the Dr. said at this point and Steve is trying to absorb info as fast as he can.
Thank you all and my family is so appreciative of how you have been there for us.  Even your smallest gesture does not go unnoticed.

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