Vyeing For Control

I would have thought by now my need to control would have been dealt with.  I have lived two of the most un-controllable years of my life, yet I still want control.  I want to know what is around the next bend so I know if it safe to venture out into the clearing or not.  It is much easier to trust when we have a picture of what things will look like.  But then, is that really trust?

I made it through my first 5 weeks of school and it has been a huge challenge.  I have spent more hours in the math lab than I care to count.  I think I am doing pretty well in Algebra and Psychology.  Nutrition, not so much.  How hard could nutrition be?  Well, for starters, this is the teachers first year teaching and she is a registered dietitian not a teacher.  She has spent four hours each week reading her Powerpoint out loud to the class.  Don't try to have a discussion in class because "we are going to get to that" is her byline.  On my first assignment I misread the instructions and only got a C.  C!?  I do not do C work.  Then, we took our midterm yesterday and we were all woefully unprepared for this test.  There was so much on the test that we had not gone over in class.  Lot's of chemistry and calculations and the pressure was so great that I could not for the life of me remember how to do the calculations.  Most of the class was angry after the test at how ill prepared we were and we had all spent a great deal of time studying.  AARRGGHH!  I am seriously questioning whether I want to spend the next 4 years working this hard.  I am unaccustomed to not being really good at what I do.

On another front.  I am navigating a relationship with a man.  This is a man Tom and I have been friends with for 32 years. We have established and re-established our just friends status but it still difficult for me.  I have not done anything alone with another man without Tom being present for 30 years.  Marriage is a great insulator.  On our second "non-date"  I got so anxious I threw up in his car.  Thankfully he had a container close by but it was still a humiliating moment.  Even though we are just friends.  A panic attack in front of others is really hard for me.  I find that I am easily conflicted and have a great need to try and control any outcomes.  I have no idea where this will lead or if it will ever be anything more than just a friendship.  It is definitely a learning experience for me.  Who am I without Tom?  What do I want for my future?  What will that man look like?  How does this person or that person fit into my story?  Right now the thought of a real date is very scary to me.  The thought of someone wanting to hold my hand frightens me  much less the thought of kissing someone besides Tom.  Thankfully in this situation there is no expectation of that.  He knew Tom and does not mind my endless mention of Tom in our conversations.  Tom is and always will be a huge part of my life and whomever I find will have to accept that or he is not the right guy for me.  But,...I still want to control.

I try to keep in mind what God said to me on the plane back from California when my world came crashing down.  the day they told us that yes, Tom would not survive this.  I was devastated  yet, I heard God say, as if he were sitting on the floor in front of me and holding my face in his hand, "Your future is going to be better than you imagine."  I cling to the belief that God has a story to write.  I did not die with Tom, although I wanted to.  My life will go on and God has MY story to write.  I keep wanting to grab his pen but I know all too well that He is much better writer than I.  So for now I will once again relinquish my need to control.  Once again I will lay this book at His feet and allow Him to write undisturbed and I will anxiously await the next chapter.