Why am I here? Why am I still here? Who am I without this man that adored me? Who am I “supposed” to be? What am I “supposed” to do? What is my purpose now that I am no longer a wife (a role I was supposed to play forever)? I wrestle with God. What is the purpose, reason, logic and use of this endless suffering? Why? Why my husband and not the cranky guy from chemo who doesn’t have a life to live for? Why am I still asking these answerless questions? I wrestle. In those desperate moments I text my suffering friend. Pour out my grief and my why. She doesn’t know why but she does know that she needs a mama and I am that for her and maybe that is why. Not enough. Why? I wrestle. I wrestle with God for a tiny glimpse of a future without Tom. Just a peek. A smidgen. “Nope”, He says. “But” I say. “Nope, because if I give you a peek you will try to orchestrate and I am the maestro here.” “But…what if…?” I wrestle some more. I am desperate for a view into a life I just can’t picture. A life I can’t believe or hope for because I have no vision. My suffering friend texts me, “Papa’s got amazing stuff for you friend. I’m happy to hold the space for truth for now.” Suffering makes you wise. She is wise. I do not care if I am wise. I do not care if I light the way for someone else. I do not care if I am a positive example right now. I wrestle. Jacob wrestled. He wrestled with God and God did not back down. He did not give up and he was not the least bit put out that Jacob was wrestling. Jacob was left with a permanent limp as a gentle reminder of his wrestle with God. God won. Jacob won.
I spent 5 days in the sun with 4 of my favorite girlfriends. The Sisters Quilt Show was last Saturday so we packed up our machines, tables, cutting mats, rotary cutters, credit cards and headed for the sun. It was a wonderful week. We laughed, we cried, we wrestled with the hard questions of life. We bore one another’s burdens. I came home with a happy/sad heart. Happy for 5 days with close friends. Sad because I come home alone. Crawl into bed alone. But for today I can lay aside the wrestle and the need to control and let God be the maestro. And I walk with a limp as a gentle reminder that God has a plan and I am standing in His way. I step aside.
What are you wrestling with God about? What burden do you continue to pick up and lug around when all the while God has a plan? Will you limp for the knowledge that God is the maestro?
Mom,
ReplyDeleteI am not really sure what to say as I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. You are still here for so many reasons, way more to count but I know it is frustrating when all you want to do is be with him. God will reveal himself to you and I have already noticed bits and pieces being revealed. I love you
Call me anytime you just want to talk
Love you
Em
dear maryellen..i don't know what to say either except that my heart is really aching for you.
ReplyDeletemy sister, grace's husband went home several years ago..he was 28 and he left grace[24] with four little children..every year about this time when the corn fields are growing, we think of eric's going..this was the time of year that god called him.
just two weeks ago, i asked grace if it ever enters her mind, "why?" and she was honest enough to say ,"yes" and so i told her every so often when i think of him, i say "why?" too.
i guess the reason that you were left here behind maryellen is for those beautiful people that are here above in your blog...such lovely photos and such a lovely mother and gramma that they have!
grace was left behind but she raised the children, ages 6,5,3 and a toddler with the help of the lord...people told her that she should marry again so that the kids would have a father.
her answer?..."i will never marry for convenience...i would marry only for love."
it never happened maryellen but those kids, she raised..three graduated from college and the other girl is a happy wife and the mother of two children...grace has four grandchildren...and they all go to sunday school...
so god is blessing others maryellen through you, as he leaves you with your family and with 4 of your special friends...they all love you and i think i do too!
love terry
Mom- well written. I too, can only imagine, but even that is too painful for me. Like Emily saidm you are here for more reasons than you can see right now, but one thing is certain: God isn't finished with His work in you yet. Where much is required, much is given. His grace will abound to you, every step of the way!
ReplyDeleteTo my precious children, I know that I am here for you. I would never leave although at times I so long to be with dad that eternal sleep sounds pretty darn nice. Right now I have times when none of it feels like enough and it doesn't have anything to do with any shortcomings on your part. It just is what it is. Hard. You girls have given me the greatest joys in the midst of such pain and I live for my time with Kaleb and Lexi. They fill me up like nothing else can right now.
ReplyDelete