Turning 50 without Tom was hard. I had a very blessed day and sobbed and sobbed that evening because another major milestone had passed that he has missed. So far he missed our first Grandchild's first birthday and Kaleb will never know the Opa Tom hoped to be. He missed our 30th wedding anniversary and my 50th birthday. He always made a big deal about my birthday and anniversary as well as mothers day. I find that as the weeks tick by the pain becomes more intense. Perhaps the shock is wearing off and the reality of my life without him is settling in. I had some work done on the house and it really bothered me. I don't want this to become my house. You have no idea how hard some of those small changes can be because they are constant reminders that time goes by. Life goes on and God is still writing my story, without Tom.
I have shared many times about my dream house and I will briefly re-cap for those who have not followed from the beginning. Probably 20 years ago my girlfriend Teri and I stumbled upon this most amazing home. A 5000 sq. foot Dutch Colonial in a very secluded location. At the time someone was living there. Over the years I would take Tom in there and we would dream of the possibilities of owning such a home. Most of it was a pipe dream because we could never afford such a home and the upkeep alone would be a mortgage in itself. But we dreamed. The location was a little retreat for us just to visit. For about 10 years no one has lived in the home but the owners possessions have still been in the home and it has been immaculately maintained as if they had merely gone to the beach for the weekend. For 10 years I have left little notes for the owner on the door asking if I could meet them and hear the story of their home and perhaps see the inside. For 10 years, nothing. But, my dream would not die. I dreamt at night about the house. I visited the house often and watched as the owners installed new furnaces, yes plural, it takes one to heat the main floor and one to heat the upstairs it is so large. They installed sprinklers on the entire acre and a 1/2, they re-roofed, they stripped it down to bare wood and re-painted it, they have a gardener yet no one lives there. Ten years of nothing but a dream. I found out 8 years ago by sheer coincidence, (or divine appointment) that we have a mutual acquaintance. This alone was such a bizarre coincidence that it seemed un-mistakable that God was not at work. However, for 8 more years, nothing but our dream would not die. When Tom died I begged God to take the dream away because it was just too painful to imagine without him although I found her property to be a great refuge for me in times of grief. Remember, when I was flying home from the hospital in California and we knew this was not a battle we were going to win I distinctly heard God say, as if it were an audible voice, "Your future is going to better than you can imagine." When life really sucks it doesn't take much for it to be better than you could imagine. At that point the plane going down and Tom and I going home together would have been better than I could imagine. However, God had a different story to write for me.
Last week, the day before my 50th birthday, our mutual friend called and said this woman wants to meet me and could I be in his office Wednesday at noon. My head was spinning. Could I really be meeting this woman after so many years? Could I really get to see the inside of this beautiful home after so long? So amazing! I wish I could begin to tell you the events of this past week. My mind is literally spinning and because I want to protect her privacy I don't want to share too much but I will say that the woman has no family, very few friends and no one to share her passion for her family home. It has been in her home for 100 years and they are the original owners. She is at a point in her life where life she has experienced so much brokenness and at 80 wonders what is left but God is not done writing her story either. It was love at first sight between us. She is the sweetest woman and welcomed me into her home with open arms. She is thrilled to share her stories with me and I am thrilled to hear them. On Friday I called in a few favors and several friends showed up and we cleaned until dusk and moved boxes and organized and cleared away ten years of papers so she had a place she felt like she could retreat and not have to look at all that needs to be done. It was an honor to serve her and her response was "Who are you people?". I feel like I am in the midst of a glory storm and I actually have to go home and let my mind rest because it is just too much to take in. If I died today I would die a blessed woman because I have seen what I have dreamed of seeing for so long. I know this much though, God is not done writing either of our stories and she has much to share with me and I am soaking it all in. All I can say is WOW! God writes a much better story than I do. Why have I struggled so hard to control this because His way is so much better than I could imagine. WOW!
No comments:
Post a Comment