The Turning of the Leaves

I wish I could write more happy posts.  I wish I could paint a nice rosy picture of how God came through and all is well on the western front.  I wish being a christian with strong beliefs about who God is fixed it, but we all know it doesn't.  He is not a genie in a bottle who pops out to save the day when we need it.  It doesn't work like that.  Life is hard and it often sucks.  There are many unanswered questions and many, many more to come.  Suffering is part of this world and Christians suffer just as much.  If it were true that Christianity somehow bypassed the hard parts of life then everyone would have signed up by now.  But, life is life and as long as we are on this earth suffering is part of the equation.
I feel like my emotional reserves are spent.  Tears are just below the surface at all times.  Life is moving on, the seasons are changing, the holidays are coming, changes are being made to OUR house that make it more MY house than ours and everything in me aches to go backward.  To save the remnants of him here.  To smell him.  Obviously smell is a biggy for me because I crave his smell.  I have one piece of clothing that smells like him and I keep it sealed in a ziploc bag and inhale deeply regularly.
I have so many exciting things happen this past month but it has also been one of my more difficult parenting months.  With adult kids you have a very unique set of problems.  They tell you about issues that a kiss and hug don't fix.  They tell you things you have done that have hurt them.  They hurt and you can't fix it.  They make choices that are not God's best and you can't make them do the right thing.  No more sending them to their room to think about what they have done.  No more groundings or no tv nights  as discipline, and no more dad for back up.  Yep, I am in this alone from here on out.  Tom was the voice of reason in my parenting insecurity.  The steady.  I was the emotional one.  My whole being has been wrapped up in being a mom and doing it right and in those times when I wondered if I was good enough he was reassurance for me.  Now it is just me and my insecurity.  Me and the pain of knowing that I have done things that hurt them.  Me and the pain of them doing things that hurt me as a parent.  Sigh!  This road is hard.  Arizona and a one bedroom house sounds pretty good today.
These are the thoughts going through my mind these days.  What do we do about Thanksgiving and Christmas?  We are a family steeped in traditions and now it is all different.  I have no motivation to do it at all.  What do I do with his stocking?  Who will do my stocking on Christmas morning or buy me a present?  What will that day look like and how do I keep from having a meltdown or panic attack?  I need someone to just tell me what to do here.  Tom would have told me what to do.  Oh the many ways I miss him.  I know, I am borrowing trouble as my mom used to say.  This much I do know is true.  There is a grace ticket waiting for me when Thanksgiving rolls around.  And Christmas, and time to hang the stockings.  The ticket will be there to get me from point A to point B but I don't have that ticket today so no use going there yet.  I may panic but I will survive.  I will probably feels sad but I won't always feel sad and yes, this year will be very, very different but not necessarily all bad and that is our new reality.