Well, no sooner than I posted my last blog and I had another panic attack. Right after Thanksgiving dinner. Should have expected as much. The pattern seems to be that I handle everything pretty well then the feelings of missing him build up and bam - panic and grief. His presence was definitely missing that day. Tom loved Thanksgiving food and family. He would have had us all laughing. Not as much laughter in our house without him although Jordan is a close clone of his dad in that way. Same macabre sense of humor, but Tom would find the humor in everything. Miss that.
Yesterday I decorated our tree alone. For as long as I have lived I have an ornament for each year of my life. Tom and I carried on that tradition with each other and our kids so decorating the tree is like opening a picture book that you can only see once a year. Our first Christmas ornaments, vacation ornaments, new business ornaments, anniversary ornaments, and my last years ornament from him - a nurse ornament to thank me for taking care of him. In many ways it feels like my history died with him. No one will ever know those years with me. Oh sure, I can explain to someone but Tom knew. No explanation necessary. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to do this. Who is this odd family of 5? I don't want to be a matriarch. We were supposed to do this together. All those years of work, layering, building. Where do I fit in? Who am I without this history anymore? What is God's plan here. Sometimes it is just really hard and painful.
Yes, I have much to be thankful for but much to grieve as well. Sometimes this is just really hard.
All I know is that grief never goes in a straight line. You think youʻre doing better, then wham! You get hit by a wall of grief that feels like itʻs going to knock you over. And first holidays without a loved one are really tough to get through.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty and will be praying for you...
Hard and painful...can't imagine it should be any other way. Anything less would mean that he impacted your life less. Not that that thought makes it easier. We just can't expect ourselves to move on "as normal", because there will be no returning to that place, and that is a darn hard thing to accept. I miss him too. I cried a lot before thanksgiving just anticipating another "in your face" moment of his being gone. It sucks.
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