Thanksgiving 2011

I have much to be thankful for.  That may sound odd coming from a woman whose whole life has been turned upside down and inside out.

Much to be thankful for.  Nope, this is not some cheesy cliche to impress people with how incredibly spiritual and God focused I am.  It is true.  This may sound odd, and at the expense of being criticized, but in some ways I am happier than I can ever remember being.

Not one bit happy about not having Tom here.  Not one bit.  I would give anything for one more day.  One more hour.  One more conversation, but that will have to wait.  However,  this process has brought a freedom in my life that I have never known.  Not a freedom from the life I felt enslaved to.  I loved that life and I desperately want it back.  The freedom is from the fear that has dogged my life for as long as I have memory.

As I have said before, when my brother and I were born we were born to very young parents who were trying to make their way in the world.  My mom worked full time to put our dad through medical school.  I really only have one memory of my dad in the first 6 years of my life and it is of him passed out on the carpet with a severe hangover and the dog having puppies by his head.  My brother and I were both surprise babies and were born into a difficult situation.  I don't remember ever being truly happy or free from fear.  Fear of abandonment.  Pain from loss.  Anxiety  about wondering who would be there for us.  I will say in my parents defense that they did the best they could with what they had and as my mother got older she did a much better job of providing security but at my early age the wheels were set in motion for a life of anxiety.

It is this fear that seems to have died with Tom.  Oh sure, I still have moments where fear of tomorrow grips me and won't let go, but it is not my constant companion.  I faced my dragon and he may have won the battle of death but we won the war over fear.  That was a much bigger win and a road I think Tom would have willingly walked to set me free.

Don't get me wrong.  I will reiterate that in no way do I think God's decided to make us walk this road and take my husbands so I could be free.  God doesn't work that way.  But He does use what looks like a horrible thing in our life to teach us and grow us.  CS Lewis says "Experience is a brutal teacher, but we learn.  God do we learn."

I feared losing my husband - more fearful of a heart attack because Tom's drug of choice was food.  I feared losing one of my kids.  I feared never being free of fear.  I feared having a brain tumor myself because I have been plagued with migraines since I was a teenager.  I feared not being taken care of.  I feared being alone.  I feared....

I lost my husband and I lived through it.   My kids are safe for now and even if something happened to one of them somehow God would find a way to help me get through it.  I did not get the brain tumor as I feared, He did and in reality I am doing better with the loss than I know Tom would have done.  He was not able to take care of me but God still has and much of that has been through you.  I am alone but do not feel alone.  I am relatively free of the panic but am not naive enough to believe that it will not rear it's ugly head from time to time, but I do not live in fear.

If I died today I would be content because I would get to be with Tom and my grandma.  If I live another 50 years I get to be with my kids and my precious grand-kids and look forward to our reunion when I finally go home.

This is a hard road.  Lonely at times.  Heartache most of the time.  Longing all of the time, but I am full.  I have been taken care of and I am finally free.  My only wish is that Tom could be here to see and experience this.  My anxiety has altered our lives in so many ways and he willingly sacrificed many things to ensure my feeling of security.

So, as you sit at your Thanksgiving table today I know that many of your thought will turn to my family and we will be remembered in prayer, I want you to know that we will be ok.  My kids are dreading today and Christmas so we covet your prayers but I also want you to know that we feel those prayers in a very tangible way today.

I have much to be thankful for and if even I can stand and thank God on this Thanksgiving day then surely you can thank God in the midst of your own personal chaos.  He takes what the enemy uses for your harm and makes it into something beautiful in your life...if you let him.

Something beautiful
Something good,
All my confusion, He understood.
All I had to offer Him
Was brokenness and strife
And He made something beautiful out of my life